[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
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Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.