Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
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what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Good point.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.