[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that