My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.