We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
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My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it