This might be me.
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Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.