I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
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I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Thoughts
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
How high do the levels go?