[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
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Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
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