Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
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back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Still a very good boi….
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Brilliant!
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”