It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
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[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.