Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
You Might Also Like
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.