[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
You Might Also Like
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂