“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
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me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
How your email finds me
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
haha same
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*