If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
You Might Also Like
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents