Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
You Might Also Like
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.