Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
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Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground