In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
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My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.