I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
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I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent