The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
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I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
can I use a minion as a tampon