My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
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Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
sensitive skin