It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
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BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*