[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
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my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Every work meeting this week
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur