>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
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Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
knights of the ikea table
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer