I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
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[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.