Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
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I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Lmao the reply
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.