I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
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Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Simple enough.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Imma just leave this here…………
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?