[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
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interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
he looks great for his age
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin