Barbie gone wild
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I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
PARKOUR
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.