the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
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The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
car not found
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.