Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
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Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don鈥檛 know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
very niche meme I made
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Mary Poppins: 馃幎A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down馃幎
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
I set an alarm when I鈥檓 napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i鈥檒l treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.