ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
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5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Need WebMD
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
My dream job is getting paid to dream
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!