If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
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Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
i think we should see other cousins