Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
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YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.