My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.