dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
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An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!