*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
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Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
A great tip. #CakeRex
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs