Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
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Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
I’m listening
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.