The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
Aight bet
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee