[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
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[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”