Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
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flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.