parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
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I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show