Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
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[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.
She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.
So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw