Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
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INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someone’s like “i want u to assassinate this guy” and she quotes them for 2000g and they go “what? that’s so high! doesn’t it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?”
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”