Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
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My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
live long and prosper!
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.