SCARY COSTUME
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[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.