[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
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Pot warmers of the day.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.