Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
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what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
Me: Leaving early. Taking my kid to an appointment
Boss: No, you’ve played your last kid card
Me: *slides kid card out from sleeve and slams it down on desk*
Boss: Sonofa
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes