Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
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My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door