The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
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6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
True freaking story!
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!