Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
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Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube